Dinosaur Dracula!
Dinosaur Dracula

The Best Vending Machine Ever.

If you live in anything resembling suburbia, maybe you’ve seen an Allstar vending machine. They’re stuffed with trading cards of all types, and at least around here, there’s one near the exit of every grocery store.

I’m going to take the long way to get there, but here’s a quick summary of this article: DO NOT IGNORE THESE MACHINES.

If you’ve only afforded them a passing glance, you may have gotten the wrong impression. Sports card packs are the predominant choices, but there’s much more to Allstar machines than that. Movie, TV and toon cards are in there too, along with non-card items that are unbelievably endearingly in their screwiness.

Best of all, the assortments in these machines are anything but new. You’ll easily find packs of cards from twenty or even thirty years ago. The machines exist more as portable collectible shops, inspiring us to relive our pasts through the quarters in our pockets. Read More…

Old Internet Junk!

I first went online in 1995, back when you paid by the hour for an extremely slow connection. At the time, my concept of the internet only went as far as what America Online would show me. Actual websites existed, of course, but between the slow speed and my unfamiliarity, I mostly stuck with chat rooms, forging fast friendships with total strangers that were completely forgotten ten minutes later.

Even after just a few years, a lot had changed, but it was still no comparison to what we have today. Here’s an actual screenshot of my computer screen from September 16th, 2000:

Still on AOL. Still on dial-up. Thirty programs always running simultaneously. Goddamned RealPlayer.

Everything was plodding and everything was made of glass, but we didn’t take it that way. Hell, I must’ve been having fun, since I somehow spent more time on the internet back then than I do now. (Well, duh. It took ten times as long to do anything.)

Below are five things I enjoyed from my earliest days online, in no particular order. Read More…

I’m best friends with Pee-wee Herman.

As some of you know, I ordered WrestleMania last night. The PPV price was steep, but I just couldn’t let myself miss Undertaker vs. Punk. It was a good event overall, but the show definitely peaked with that match.

I seized the opportunity to do some live tweeting, to the grand annoyance of all but maybe ten of the people who follow me. Fifty tweets later, and I had less followers than the day prior. Oh well. I thought my line about Roman Reigns looking like the Daenerys’s dead husband was spot-on.

I wasn’t the only one saying too much about wrestling through social media. No less than Pee-wee Herman is a big WWE fan, and in fact, he was at WrestleMania last night. I don’t know if Pee-wee was there in an official capacity or just as a fan, but he was all over Facebook and Twitter, yakking about Brock Lesnar.

Somewhere in the middle of that, he posted this on Facebook:

Mason, an eagle-eyed reader, recognized the photo from one of my X-E articles. The one about the stuff in my freezer.

Yes, that’s MY picture of a WWE Ice Cream Bar and Choco Taco. Pee-wee assuredly found it on Google and never actually visited my old site, but this is still very awesome.

On the other hand, everyone on his Facebook page is making fun of my dirty tiled tabletop. That shit hurts.

It’s a pretty tenuous link, but I’m now connected to Pee-wee Herman. Just a tiny little bit. When I repeat this story in the future, I’ll exaggerate like hell. By next year, I’ll be claiming that we watched WrestleMania together at Hooters. Read More…

You’re going to the movies!

Tonight, you’re going to the movies! Whether you want to or not!

As if by some unseen force, you are escorted to Dinosaur Dracula’s Superstar Theater.

While waiting for your turn at the ticket counter, you realize that this is no ordinary theater. Mingling with your fellow humans are all sorts of monsters and dinosaurs!

Apprehensive as you may be, there is no denying the hand fate has dealt you. You purchase your ticket and head inside… Read More…