A raptor. (!!!)

Just like the ones from Jurassic Park. But so much more orange.

Dino Drac is pleased, but he hesitates to really let loose.

“I’m just worried that this isn’t a real raptor. I don’t want to start screaming about raptors if people are going to tell us that it’s some other dinosaur.”

Oh, Dino Drac. Let’s squash those fears by pasting many words from Bob Strauss of About.com:

“Technically, paleontologists define raptors (or dromaeosaurs) as theropod dinosaurs that share certain obscure anatomical characteristics. For our purposes, though, raptors can be broadly described as small- to medium-sized, bipedal, carnivorous dinosaurs equipped with grasping, three-fingered hands, relatively big brains, and (most distinctively) huge, solitary claws on each of their hind feet, which they probably used to slash and occasionally disembowel their prey.”

I see NOTHING in that definition that doesn’t describe your new dinosaur.

Buddy, you got a raptor.

Too excited to speak, Dino Drac instead steals my notebook and crayons.

But I can dream, and in my dreams, I’m…freeing orange raptors with youuuu.

There’s a new feature up, listing ten strange and wonderful things I want from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation. (Including Aunt Bethany’s cat food Jell-O. Yes.)

For today’s BCFDAW, I’d like to introduce you to the “Christmas roll.”

Several of New York’s sushi joints are offering special “Christmas rolls” for the holidays. No two are alike. The one shown above is entirely different from the Christmas roll I ordered back in 2004, and in a word, it’s INTENSE.

It’s from a restaurant called Fuji Rising Dragon. I pray I will encounter more things with names that awesome.

Here’s how Fuji (Fuji RISING DRAGON!) describes the roll, verbatim:

Spicy tuna with tuna, salmon, yellowtail, eel and avocado with tobiko eel sauce.

In other words, I bought this for photographical use only — not so I could eat it.

I love sushi, I really do. But I’m also a big baby when it comes to it. Not to the level of only eating California rolls, but certainly to the level of pissing myself at the mere THOUGHT of “eel sauce.” I can think of a hundred ways to get sauce from eels, and none are pleasant.

EDIT: Okay, so as several of you have pointed out, “eel sauce” doesn’t exactly mean “sauce made from eels.” It’s more like a sauce you put ON eels. I don’t care. It’s still gross. I will defend to my dying day the right to believe that eel sauce is gross. Read More…

Oh yes, the party has truly begun! I foresee nothing but GOOD GIFTS from here on out!

Proof’s in the pudding. Of course, in this case, “pudding” refers to a scorpion and a video camera. Not since car tires and frog legs has a combination seemed so natural.

I’ve endured many Playmobil Advent Calendars, and I’ve come to suspect that those bastard krauts just like to mess with us. Sometimes, the combinations are just too screwy to be happy accidents. “Die Kinder werden so durch unseren Skorpion und Videokameras verwirrt!!”

Independently, I understand each gift. We’re on a dinosaur expedition, so sure, a video camera might come in handy. We’re also traversing desert terrain, so okay, there could be some scorpions. Only together do these things seem suspect.

Dino Drac decides to roll with it. “Dance for me, little bug.”

The scorpion, being a scorpion, does not obey. He just does his “stop fucking with me or you’re gonna get it” shuffle, which, ironically, looks so much like dancing that Dino Drac still gets the exact shot he was after.

Satisfied with his directorial debut, Dino Drac addresses me. Always odd when he does that.

“This is one of those black scorpions. Do you know what that means?”

I sure do, Dinosaur Dracula.

After it molts, we’re going to see a five inch Ric Flair.