Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/13/12.
A gecko!
I like him. He’s tiny, he’s drowsy, and he looks a lot like a baby alligator. (Despite this, I am sure that he’s a gecko. I’ve never been more sure of anything.)
His arrival was not without drama. Dino Drac assumed the gecko to be food, and was salivating like a big gross monster. Thinking fast, I lied about it actually being a newborn velociraptor. Since it wears the same colors as the one we got on Tuesday, Dino Drac bought it.
Now I just need to teach him to be gentler with the thing. He’s one hug away from making that gecko explode. I started writing a gecko care guide, culling information from websites filled with funny lizard GIFs. Then I got distracted by Play-Doh.
My winter wonderland isn’t amazing, but it’s not my fault. I had none of the good Christmas colors. There was no white Play-Doh, and the Play-Doh that came closest to red was still too orange to ever pass an official red test.
The black rocks represent Santa’s coal. The purple thing on the far left is…well, I don’t know. I guess it’s one of Delia’s sculptures from Beetlejuice. Not very Christmassy, but when your available Play-Doh colors force you to make a green snowman, there are only so many ways you can praise Jesus.
Oh, great. Now the gecko is missing.
1995 Christmas Crunch with HOLIDAY FROSTING.
You might think that I’ve exhausted the well of Christmas Crunch posts, but nuh uh. I may have written about that cereal fifty times, but I never told you about the time it came with cake frosting.
This super special version of Christmas Crunch came out in 1995, and if not for Coolio, would have been the pop sensation of its year. This was by far the strangest of the many Christmas Crunch variations, but I mean that in the best ways possible.
Before we get to the meat (meat = frosting), let us bow in unison to this box design, bold in its blues and heavy on everything holy. It’s just so right. From Santa Crunch’s understated appearance to the shiny silver snowflakes, it’s a box that begs for stares and GETS them.
I probably would’ve written about this even without the frosting thing. The box art alone really is that good. Such a successful departure from the red-and-green norm. Plus, for some reason, the font they used for “Christmas Crunch” makes me want to ride a train.
I could go on, but I know how you are. You see Cap’n Crunch holding a mysterious packet of frosting, and you want to skip ahead. Can’t say I blame you, even if you are a heartless and impatient ass. Read More…
Dino Drac’s Advent Calendar: 12/12/12.
Let’s get something straight. This isn’t just some random patch of grass covered in weeds and flowers.
It’s a miniature golf course.
Granted, it’s a miniature golf course with only one hole, and it comes with no clubs or balls. So what? It’s only December 12th. There are still plenty of days left to complete the set.
“You’re fudging.”
What? I’m what?
“You’re fudging. I’m not an idiot. This has nothing to do with golf. It’s just plants.”
Dino Drac thinks he caught me in a lie. In my view, that would be more of a “fib” than a “fudge.”
I ask him to explain the hole, then.
“My feet have holes! They mean nothing! These are just plants!”
Dino Drac is just moaning because this gift isn’t as cool as yesterday’s raptor. He’ll come around. And if he doesn’t? Who cares, I’m on my way to see Burt Reynolds.
Okay, I’m not. Actually, I’m on my way to sit in bed with an entire bag of frozen raspberries. I will lay there and eat them and stare at the clock, all the while wondering if frozen raspberries are worth getting five hours of sleep instead of six.
(They so are.)
BFCDAW #11: Good looking cookies.
Today is busy. I’m only BCFDAW’ing because I need to push that eel sushi off of the main page as soon as possible.
There. Much better. A palatable set of Christmas cookies, purchased for WAY TOO MUCH MONEY from one of those design-your-own-salad places. ($9 for two cookies, and no, I wouldn’t have bought them had I learned that sooner. By the time I found out, I had a line of twenty angry salad people behind me. To ditch the cookies at that point would have set off a trail of sighs that even now, two hours later, would still rage on.
I’m especially fond of the Christmas tree cookie. It has icing garland in the shape of the imaginary word “lelele.” The details were all but lost to the one-two punch of my shitty Android camera and iPhoto’s irresistible filters, but in person, this cookie is a jolly jolt to every sense.
If judging by comparison, Santa is pretty boring. At least until you notice the fangs hiding in his beard – as if this Santa is really a monster, waiting for the right moment to out himself and eat a foot.
We decided to turn these cookies into office Christmas decorations. They’re now standing partially upright, using a couple of DVD spindles for balance.
Yeah, I’m too busy to make this funny. Pretend there are jokes.