Five Retro TV Commercials, Part 22!
I’ve been encoding old VHS tapes like crazy lately, collecting more commercials than my computer and two external hard drives can reasonably handle.
This article is a small step in clearing the cache, but it’s mainly an excuse for me to gush about giant squid and microwave pizza.
Hurricane Hordak! (1986)
I’m not sure that any 1980s toy line had better TV commercials than Masters of the Universe. (And it’s not like there wasn’t plenty of competition!)
While the cartoon series was famously criticized for being a commercial in of itself, I don’t remember many times when He-Man’s animated antics made me beg for action figures. By contrast, some of Mattel’s 30-second spots made me literally shake with lust.
The commercials that hit hardest always had some tie to the Evil Horde, like the one featured here. Something about Hordak’s crew brought the artistry out of Mattel HQ. (Would we have cared nearly so much about the Slime Pit without its incredible TV commercial?)
Hurricane Hordak was the second of three distinct Hordak figures in the original line, remembered as much for his swank golden armor as the fact that his right hand was now a spinning mace. Read More…
Ninja Turtles: The Sad Story of Scrag.
I’ll warn you: This article is such a deep cut that only extreme fans of the original Ninja Turtles cartoon stand any chance of finishing it. The rest of you should just come back tomorrow.
So, let’s talk about Scrag. An impossible mix of Duckie and Annie Lennox, Scrag wore a pair of those sunglasses Pizza Hut gave away to promote Back to the Future Part II. He ruled.
Scrag was one of my favorite characters on the show, despite being one of the least important. He only appears in four episodes and doesn’t utter a single clear line in any of them.
In fact, Scrag was so minor that he was never even named on the series. “Scrag” is just what fans call him now, thanks to a description in some old Ninja Turtles coloring book.
Nevertheless, there were valid reasons to be invested in this “nothing” character. Scrag’s story was and remains one of most haunting in TMNT history. You just had to pay extra close attention to notice it! Read More…
That one super creepy episode of Sightings.
Here’s the story about how an old episode of Sightings ruined my life.
Or maybe made it better?
You remember Sightings, right? It was essentially a copycat Unsolved Mysteries, but with a stricter focus on the paranormal and otherworldly.
Now let me take you back to October, 1992. You’re eating Keebler Pizzarias, and the radio won’t stop playing Whitney.
I was thirteen years old, and only barely settled into my new downstairs bedroom. Thirteen-year-olds have a biological compulsion to find their parents irritating, and I sure did love the extra privacy.
I felt so mature, but I was still just an easily-spooked kid. It was darker downstairs. Weirder. I’d traded living next to my parents to living next to the laundry room, which creaked and cracked with noises that belonged on a Halloween SFX CD.
My bedroom had two windows. There was the front window, which offered a view of our driveway. That was where the burglars would break in. Then there was the side window, peering into our little-used backyard. That was the entrance for monsters.
So I’m in this room, on a Friday night in mid-October.
Sightings comes on my TV set. The one covered in Rose Tea ceramic animals. Against my better judgment, I do not switch channels to watch Baby Sinclair bang pots. Read More…
Tiny Tributes to Minor Monsters, #3!
In this edition of Tiny Tribute to Minor Monsters, I’ll be covering everything from alien bounty hunters to big spooky trees. I like to have fun.
If you missed the previous chapters, they’re here and here!
Karg!
Masters of the Universe (1987)
Think of Karg as a mix of Sophia Petrillo and Warwick Davis’s Leprechaun. He was one of Skeletor’s minions in the Masters of the Universe film, which y’all really need to see. It’s like they threw He-Man in a blender with The Empire Strikes Back, Back to the Future and a bunch of Jordache commercials. AMAZING movie.
Karg wasn’t a terribly important character, but he arguably made a stronger impression than anyone else in the film — including He-Man and Skeletor. It all came down to the costume, which was so wicked and menacing that it almost felt out of place… even in a movie like this.
Karg was meant to be a bat-like creature, but you’ll more get the impression that someone used a Thunder Stone on one of the Crites. The fact that he was obsequious and even a touch histrionic did little to keep Karg from turning our dreams into nightmares. Read More…