Unless you spent all of Friday completely Internet-free, you’ve heard the news. The kings and queens of Nabisco must be dancing, because the entire world has become positively drunk with glee over their latest offering:
Candy. Corn. Oreos.
Like I wasn’t going to hunt these down the second I heard about them. Still, it figures that I’d hear about them while dressed as a three-headed alien, wearing blue makeup. Even so, it just took a shower and a trip to Target to turn September 7th, 2012 into a day I will never forget. If this sounds like too much of a fuss for cookies, you’re reading the wrong website.
CANDY. CORN. OREOS. Usually, all Nabisco gives us for Halloween are those black Oreos with the orange filling. They’re fun, but dammit, I’ve been writing about them for ten years already. I needed something new.
I’m obviously the type to hum church songs over Halloween cookies, but not everyone is, and I’ve been shocked by the Internet’s united excitement about these Oreos. Seriously, everybody is talking about them. Everyone has an opinion about Candy Corn Oreo cookies. Obama could call a live press conference and spend it morphing into a giant airbreathing coelacanth, and Candy Corn Oreos would still trend ahead of it.
I can’t remember a time when I was more proud to be a citizen of Earth.
When you open the package, the permeating stink of candy corn is immediate and powerful. It’s not like a bag of candy corn. It’s like being in the factory where they melt down old candy corn and turn into new candy corn. And I don’t just mean “somewhere” in the factory – I mean right in the steaming vat.
I’ve never liked candy corn, but even if I’ve spent more than a few articles calling the candies Satan’s teeth, the truth is, I don’t despise it. It smells okay, and bowls of it make for nice decorations. I might not enjoy eating the stuff, but since Nabisco figured out how to transform it into the edible glue that binds their cookies together, I am so ready to make an exception.
Ah, the white cookies. The Negaducks of the Oreo universe. I think they’re usually vanilla flavored, but while the package doesn’t clarify this, I’m pretty sure that Nabisco baked candy corn flavors right into the cookies themselves. It’s hard to tell, since when everything in a two mile radius smells like candy corn, everything in a two mile radius tends to taste like it, too.
In any event, the cookies don’t matter. It’s what inside that counts.
And what’s inside? THAT. A harmonious heaven of orange and yellow creme. This is what brought Nabisco to the dance. Orange and yellow cookie creme. That’s all it took, and it’s a lesson for us all. You just never know when lightning will strike. Sometimes, all it takes is new cookie creme, colored and shaped like Oompa-Loompa asses.
Now, I ain’t gonna lie. They’re good, and they’re very “luxurious tasting,” but I’d still pick a regular Oreo over one of these. Remember, candy corn was never my flavor of the month.
Fortunately, these cookies don’t need to rock my mouth to rock my world. Hell, I wouldn’t have cared if the prime ingredient was parrot eyes. I’m just so happy to have NEW HALLOWEEN OREOS, and that the world is as happy as me.
And since I can’t claim to run the site that broke this story, I will at least run the only one with a photo of a monster made entirely out of Candy Corn Oreo cookie creme:
Not pictured is his ability to breathe fire, but I assure you that he can do this.