The real Dinosaur Dracula?


Okay, I guess I need to weigh in on this!

Dozens of times over the past several hours (okay, maybe one dozen times), I’ve been sent links to the big news: “Dinosaur Dracula” is no longer a figment of my imagination. It’s a real goddamned thing. A real life Dinosaur Dracula.

Here’s the scoop, which I got by reading three lines of one article:

The Pegomastax africanus (let’s shorten that to the cooler sounding “Pegomastax”) looked like the result of a ménage à trios starring a dinosaur, a vampire and a porcupine. It looks a bit like a not-fully-evolved version of those idiot kangaroos from Tank Girl.

The “Dracula” thing is due to the creature’s jaw. It had long canines and a jaw structure that really showed them off. There is some debate over what this dino ate, because even if it looks like a meat eater, those teeth could’ve just as easily been used to crack open prehistoric coconuts.

In cases like these, it’s important to trust your heart over science. You can’t call a dinosaur “Dracula” if it lived on stupid things like fruit. CLEARLY, the Pegomastax sustained itself on the blood of its dinosaur cousins. CLEARLY, the Pegomastax could morph into a prehistoric bat. And I bet it used a broken pterodactyl wing as a cape. Even if they were millions of years apart, I’m sure ol’ Pego found a way.

This dinosaur is not a new discovery. I think it’s only getting the press now because someone finally said, “dwahhhh, this thing kinda looks like Dracula.” It’s obvious that that person was one of my site’s fifteen readers, and I take complete credit for all of the hubbub.

I admit it. I’m concerned. If nothing else, my site had a unique name. Now people are gonna assume that I just read some USA Today article and thought, “SOUNDS LIKE A DOMAIN NAME IF I EVER HEARD ONE.” No, that’s NOT how it went down. In fact, longtime readers know that I’ve owned the Dinosaur Dracula site for years longer than “this” iteration came online. IT’S MINE. ALL MINE.

I’m going to be crushed if/when Google searches for “dinosaur dracula” bring up fifty online newspapers before my reviews of old hot dog commercials.

In closing, that’s Dinosaur Dracula. Him, up above. This other prehistoric beast making the Internet rounds is a total poser.

Please, let me have this.