We judge each Halloween season on the strength of its junk food. That’s just how we roll. Lots of interesting new candies? Great season. Nothing worth taking pictures of in Target? Bad season.
Below are five of this year’s hottest Halloween junk foods. (And keep in mind, I’ve already purchased enough sugary garbage to add two more chapters to this series.)
Pillsbury Grands Pumpkin Spice Rolls!
Found at: ShopRite
These actually debuted in 2015, but I never had access to them before this year.
Pillsbury Grands Pumpkin Spice Rolls are autumnal spins on cinnamon rolls. A less valiant effort would’ve limited the fall flavor to the icing, but here it’s also in the dough, which is orangey in color and distinctly “pumpkin spicy” in flavor.
They’re ridiculously good, and ridiculously LARGE. I can’t believe that the rolls are “only” 300 calories, since each one is practically the size of a baseball glove. They look like giant land crabs and you need five hands to eat them properly.
GRADE: A+. I can’t think of another make-at-home Halloween treat that’s this decadent. There’s also the matter of the smell, which is capable of making you “float to the pie” like you’re in an old Goofy cartoon. Read More…
Happy Friday! Here’s a new podcast to kick off the weekend. It’s about Halloween doughnuts!
We know we’d promised a regular full-length episode this week, but we had to shift gears to make room for today’s once-a-year opportunity. For whatever reason, Krispy Kreme chose today and today ALONE to sell pumpkin spice versions of their classic glazed doughnuts, and there was no chance in hell that we were gonna miss out on those.
…and so, me and Jay from The Sexy Armpit (who is currently off working on his latest Halloween special) were on the road before six in the goddamned morning to hunt down doughnuts. Our mission was a success. To find out how they tasted, give the show a listen:
(We also talk about the new movie It, which we saw last night. Tl;dr: It was awesome.) Read More…
The return of the Halloween Countdown means that I get to dust off one of my favorite recurring Dino Drac features: Classic Creepy Commercials!
Since I’ve now covered well over 100 spooky commercials, the pickings are slim and I’ll need to get creative. So like, my apologies to those offended by me pitching a sneaker commercial as “creepy” just because it makes liberal use of fake fog.
Tales from the Darkside WPIX Promo! (1986)
By now you must realize that I will never shut up about Tales from the Darkside, my favorite horror anthology series.
I’ve mostly given up on trying to turn TFTD virgins into fans, since the show will never hit as hard if you didn’t grow up on it. For maximum effect, you need those childhood memories of lying awake past your bedtime and enduring that creepy theme as a sort of wicked lullaby.
This promo is extra special to me, since I used to watch Tales from the Darkside on WPIX in that exact 11PM time slot. (Maybe not in 1986, but certainly a few years later.) Read More…
I wasn’t expecting to finish this tonight, but thank God I did, because the idea of having to sell a Madd Matt video early in the morning was making me sick.
In MM’s second video for the 2017 Halloween season, he’s reviewing another bag of random Halloween junk. Seems like that’s all he ever does anymore.
It’s an insane mix of vintage items and cool new stuff. I think there may even be a brief cameo by Little Debbie’s Pumpkin Delights. Down below are some teasers:
I’ve taken two showers and my eyes are still black.
I suffer for you, always.
We remember yesteryear’s Halloweens in dribs and drabs, and then we fill in the blanks with rosy idealizations. Generalities become specificities, and the line between “kinda happened” and “really happened” is blurry AF.
It’s that way with all matters of nostalgia, so when I find something that “archives” the past in a raw and unfiltered way, it can be pretty mind-blowing. (Consider the difference between watching a Toys “R” Us commercial from 1988 and watching actual footage shot in a 1988 Toys “R” Us store.)
That’s why this article is so important to me:
See if you can spot Pikachu!
Longtime readers know about my strange habit of buying old candid photos from eBay. Well, one seller had a metric ton of Halloween-themed photos, and she graciously permitted me to use them here.
Some of them are from the very early ‘80s. Others are from the late ‘90s. They were taken by families from all across the country. Nearly all of them were shot on October 31st.
The devil is in the details. It’s cool to look at old costumes and remember what was popular, but if you really study these, you’ll be reminded of sooo many Halloween “intricacies” that are rarely mentioned today… even by people like me.
I’m going to present them without much comment, since they speak for themselves. Enjoy them and absorb them, because I promise that there isn’t much else that could capture the essence of old Halloweens better than this photoset: Read More…
So let’s talk about Pop-Tarts. Let’s talk about Pop-Tarts for the whole day.
New for the 2017 Halloween season, get a load of Frosted Chocolate Fudge Printed Fun Pop-Tarts!
We get new fall-themed Pop-Tart flavors pretty regularly, but this is the first time in a long time that Kellogg’s went all-in on a proper spooky theme. Just look at that box! They even used the first typeface that comes up when you search for Halloween fonts.
These join the preexisting Pumpkin Pie and Caramel Apple flavors, meaning that there are currently THREE options for people who only bother with Pop-Tarts when there are bats and goblins involved. Read More…