Dinosaur Dracula!

WWF Hasbro Figures from the ’90s!

Today’s article is about Hasbro’s World Wrestling Federation action figures from the early ‘90s. These guys, I mean:

I’m sad to admit that I wasn’t a big collector during their heyday, I guess owing to building suspicion that I was too old for “wrestling figures.” (I was in junior high when these were big, and if junior high taught me anything, it was to be ashamed of everything I liked, no matter how trivial.)

Only in recent years have I come to see that these toys are exactly as great as their most ardent supporters have long claimed. I’m not ready to put them a notch above LJN’s older set (the big rubber figures), but I’m very ready to fill a couple of shelves with ‘em.

What I like most about Hasbro’s line is the huge string of absolutely ridiculous wrestlers, from the WWF’s “difficult” period in the early ‘90s. There’s a high concentration of grapplers frequently found on today’s “worst ever” lists, but I always loved those weirdos. Any time a wrestler could be best described as a “monster” or “cartoon,” I was in. The stranger the better!

Below are five of my favorites from Hasbro’s collection:

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a-takerTHE UNDERTAKER!
Action Feature: Tombstone Tackle!

Next to Randy Savage, The Undertaker is my favorite wrestler of all time — and the only guy on this list still actively competing for WWE. Most simply described as a “wrestler slash zombie,” Undertaker had a lot going for him: Cool outfit, tremendous size, apparent lack of nerve endings to indicate pain, and oh yeah, supernatural powers. (Not many wrestlers refuted their enemies’ claims by summoning goddamned lightning storms.)

I’ve been following Taker’s career since his 1990 debut, which is just shy of 25 years as of this writing. Today, that just means watching WrestleMania every year and hoping I haven’t seen his last match. But back in the ‘90s? Forget it. I was nuts about the guy. In secret tribute to my hero, I even wore button-down black shirts with torn sleeves… which I’ll admit did little for my social standing at the schoolyard. Read More…

Six Snacks I Want Back, Volume 4!

It’s time for another edition of Six Snacks I Want Back, celebrating foods that can no longer be eaten without the aid of time machines or slipshod DIY recipes posted by liars on social media.

If you missed the three previous installments, check ‘em out over here.

oreo

 Oreo Big Stuf! 

These were so good. Take normal Oreo cookies, but multiply their size by five. Then individually wrap them, as if to subtly suggest that they’re kingly. Seriously, do it. I’ll pay you.

What I remember most about Oreo Big Stuf cookies was how impossible they seemed, even in their time, and even when I was holding one with my own two hands. They felt more like comically oversized movie props, or maybe those plastic cookie-shaped containers which for some reason are meant to hold Cheerios.

They never felt real. Eating one was like a lucid dream. Nabisco said as much in the promotional materials.

Okay, no they didn’t. Read More…

Dino Drac’s April Funpack — On Sale Now!

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($25 MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION AVAILABLE IN THE U.S. ONLY!)

Dino Drac’s April 2015 Funpack is available now!

Hard to believe that the Funpacks are entering their ninth month. I never expected this to go for so long, and I’m insanely grateful for everyone who took the plunge and helped me justify a life spent writing about Doritos and old comic book ads. Without you, Dino Drac would be lucky to get two updates a month. Thanks so much!

If you’re new to this Funpack business, here’s the lowdown: Each month, I send all subscribers a box of absurd nonsense. Subscriptions are $25 a month, and that includes shipping. Subscriptions are handled through Paypal, and you can cancel at anytime with no penalty. For as long as you remain subscribed, you’ll keep getting Dino Drac Funpacks every month! (Scroll to the bottom of this post for more information and a link to subscribe!)

Now, what’s in store for you this month?

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It’s another ten item box! Every subscriber will receive:

– A never-used, still-bagged Street Sharks “Candy Machine” from 1995!
– A one-ounce box of case-fresh French Toast Crunch cereal!
– A 1989 McDonald’s Mac Tonight figure, in a custom Dino Drac bag!
– A giant Garbage Pail Kids sticker from 1986!
– Dino Drac’s April 2015 Ugly Mini-Poster!
– Dino Drac’s “Cops Vs. Giant Goldfish” two-pack!
– A pack of vintage Street Sharks trading cards!
– A pack of vintage Dick Tracy trading cards!
– A pack of vintage Independence Day trading cards!
– Dino Drac’s April 2015 Funpack Newsletter! (Not shown.)

If that doesn’t sound like a night well spent, you’re probably reading the wrong website. More details on this month’s inclusions down below! Read More…

Vintage Vending #23: Squash Faces!

In this edition of Vintage Vending, we’re gonna take a look at Squash Faces. I realize that none of you have heard of them before, nor have you even seen the words “squash” and “faces” paired together. I live to change lives, in the smallest and stupidest ways possible.

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I don’t know when they’re from, but 1986 is a good guess.

That was the age of Madballs, and more quietly the age of everyone trying to rip Madballs off. The rubber monster balls were imitated by lots of companies — including ones who had to size their shit to fit inside vending machine capsules. Remember Wacky Goulies?

Strange, then, that where evoking Madballs would seem to be the entire point of ripping them off, the “Squash Faces” set tried so hard to mask its ties. In fact, some may doubt that these were even intended to ape Madballs. Trust me, they were.

Still — and likely by accident — Squash Faces veered so far away from the accepted Madballs ideals that they felt very much like their own brand. Their own weird brand, where nothing made sense, and where devil women broke bread with green puppies. Read More…

Five Random Action Figures, Part 16!

After an action-packed WrestleMania weekend that’s left me feeling like I’ve lost the right to ever eat or drink again, I return to normalcy with eight thousand words about ratty toys.

Below: The sixteenth edition of Five Random Action Figures, starring one green guy, one white guy, one yellow guy and two red guys. But not in that order.

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a-crabKiller Crab Alien
Aliens, 1992

Another of Kenner’s animal/Xenomorph hybrids, I found this one at a horror convention a few weeks ago. There he was surrounded by other incomplete action figures, all nestled into what I’m pretty sure was an Easter basket. The five dollar price tag made buying him a no-brainer.

“Mutant extraterrestrial crabs” absolutely defines my wheelhouse, and while I’d concede that other Aliens figures were objectively better, none of them were crabs. Looking like Modulok in beast mode, the Killer Crab Alien has two arms and four legs, or possibly two legs and four arms, or maybe it’s two arms and two legs and two limbs pulling double-duty. Also, his tail is a prehensile trident.

Unfortunately, mine is missing its pair of projectile Chestburster missiles. If you’re confused by the term “projectile Chestburster missiles,” just know that there’s no better way to describe them. Even without those, he’s as monstrous and can be, and even a backdrop of Crayola-colored storefronts does little to reduce his photographical badassery. Read More…