Oh yes, the party has truly begun! I foresee nothing but GOOD GIFTS from here on out!
Proof’s in the pudding. Of course, in this case, “pudding” refers to a scorpion and a video camera. Not since car tires and frog legs has a combination seemed so natural.
I’ve endured many Playmobil Advent Calendars, and I’ve come to suspect that those bastard krauts just like to mess with us. Sometimes, the combinations are just too screwy to be happy accidents. “Die Kinder werden so durch unseren Skorpion und Videokameras verwirrt!!”
Independently, I understand each gift. We’re on a dinosaur expedition, so sure, a video camera might come in handy. We’re also traversing desert terrain, so okay, there could be some scorpions. Only together do these things seem suspect.
Dino Drac decides to roll with it. “Dance for me, little bug.”
The scorpion, being a scorpion, does not obey. He just does his “stop fucking with me or you’re gonna get it” shuffle, which, ironically, looks so much like dancing that Dino Drac still gets the exact shot he was after.
Satisfied with his directorial debut, Dino Drac addresses me. Always odd when he does that.
“This is one of those black scorpions. Do you know what that means?”
I sure do, Dinosaur Dracula.
After it molts, we’re going to see a five inch Ric Flair.
Wow, what a handsome header image that is. “He worked really hard, Grandma.”
If you read me back on X-E, you know all about this Christmas fair. The one with the “basket raffles.” I’ve gone to this church-hosted Christmas fair every year for as long as I can remember. It can be a cruel mistress, but I just can’t imagine a holiday season without it.
“Cruel mistress?” Yeah, seriously. The reason I didn’t write about the fair last year is because it totally dicked me over. I must’ve blown a week’s pay on raffle tickets, not because I was dying for any of the prizes, but because the thought of breaking my win streak was emotionally crippling. Not good for a guy who perpetually lives on the brink, fearing the faintest of winds.
I went completely overboard, shoving twenty or more tickets into raffle bags that otherwise had no more than five. I intentionally aimed for junky prizes just to guarantee victory.
Well, it didn’t happen. The streak was broken, and with it, my last remaining ties to the church. I was convinced that those raffles had been rigged. When 75 bucks’ worth of raffle tickets can’t win you 20 bucks’ worth of NY Aquarium passes, SOMETHING IS WRONG.
But one bad experience should not ruin a lifelong tradition, so tonight, I went back. Took it easy on the raffles, though. Fool me twice.
Here are five good things from this year’s Christmas fair:
#1: Santa & Mrs. Claus do the Gangnam Style dance.
Look close, and you’ll spot everyone’s favorite couple on stage, doing the Gangnam Style dance.
There’s always music playing at these fairs, but it’s usually Christmas music. This year, I guess someone switched the dial from 106.7 to Z100, because I’d barely had a chance to grumble about “kids today” before an unseen MC instructed the Clauses to get up there and shake what their mudders gave ‘em.
The whole place stopped and stared. You might imagine that the sight of Mr. and Mrs. Claus dancing would’ve invited everyone to adopt a “party attitude,” but it was more like we were witnessing the world’s longest car crash. Nobody knew what to do, even if all of us agreed that something needed to be done.
Six hours later, the song ended, and we went back to browsing cookies and incense holders. A total “let’s collectively pretend that never happened” moment.
Screw that. I will NEVER forget. Read More…
Yesterday, you may have seen a post about how I was canceling the site’s Christmas season due to time-and-other constraints.
As you can see, that post is no longer here. And we have a solid argument from Dino Drac to thank.
“I know you’re busy, but I just got a giant python. You sure you want to waste that?”
Turns out, I don’t.
Dino Drac, you should be a salesman. I see you going door to door with a briefcase full of chocolate bars. You’ll lie about how the proceeds go to some made up charity. Deep down, nobody will believe you, but show me the man who will cast stones at a briefcase-carrying tyrannosaurus. We’ll be rich.
Anyway, the snake.
It is LARGE. It’s hard to tell when the thing is all curvy, but if stretched into a straight line, we’d see that this python is easily a six-footer.
“It’s squirming all over the place. How am I supposed to contain it?”
Good question, Dino Drac. Maybe you aren’t. It’s better to give than to receive, right? Well, now you can grant freedom to a giant snake. Later, when it’s out in the forest with an adolescent mongoose halfway down its throat, it will remember you fondly.
“I think I’d rather keep it in a box.”
Yeah. That’s why you’re a more fitting mascot for the site’s Halloween season.