Christmas Fallout, 2013.


Christmas was great. One for the ages, really. It must have been, since I ended it by sleeping for thirteen hours straight.

I’m used to feeling a bit down on the 26th, but this year, I think I did the perfect amount of Christmasing. Enough to where I don’t feel like any stones were left unturned, but no so much that I’m now ready to burn down my tree while doing the death metal horn fingers.

Our Christmas Eve party was the usual seven hours of complete mayhem. Over thirty people shouting at each other, with enough food and booze to cover triple that number.

It all started with a bang, too.




My family — mainly one of my sisters — surprised me by recreating my 1993 Christmas Tiki Hut! Even today, I don’t have the words. If I can count this as a “Christmas present,” it’s one of the best ones I’ve ever received.

Using the photo from this post as their guide, everything that was possible to recreate was recreated. They even found the same tiki glasses!

There was the rusty carafe full of Slim Jims… the hard-boiled eggs topped with cheap caviar… even the infamous “olive tree!”

Fittingly, they put the Tiki Hut in the basement. Like mine, it was stationed away from the main party, so all of the already-gross food could get even grosser with each passing hour. Perfect!

This was honestly one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me. If I’ll remember the 2013 Christmas season for anything, it’ll be this monstrosity. The one covered with crackers and toys, and the sorts of decorations that keep Oriental Trading in business.


The other big moment was when I won Darth Vader. He was one of the prizes in that weird secret Santa white elephant swapping game we always play. With lots of strategic maneuvering and a few doe-eyed glances, I went home with a super huge Darth Vader figure. YES.

(I’d been eyeing this guy for a several months, too. The only reason I never bought him is because I forced myself not to. I thought I was just trying to be less of an asshole with my credit card, but maybe there was more to it. Maybe I’m subconsciously psychic, and secretly knew how things would go down in this year’s weird secret Santa white elephant swapping game.)

Christmas Eve was spent with my family; Christmas with Ms. X’s. When we got home last night, I professed my desire to continue partying, just moments before falling unconscious for a literal half-day. When I woke up this morning, it was with the knowledge that Campari, eggnog and Patron should never be imbibed on the same night.




After I shook off the cobwebs, it was time to play with my presents. For guy in his thirties, I made out like a bandit. Fortunately/unfortunately, I made out like a bandit for a guy in his tweens, too.

Highlights included:

– A zombie gnome.
– A juicer, because there were only so many Montel Williams infomercials I could take before I really, really needed one.
– A giant Buddha statue. Yep, I’m the guy who likes things like that.
– Many books and DVDs and stuff. This included the Pacific Rim Blu-ray, and that sounds like an AMAZING movie for December 26th. Right?
– A shark coloring book and crayons, because I’ve already seen Pacific Rim, and it’ll be cool to color sharks during the boring parts.

It’s a big pile of fun, and I’m absolutely ready to set it all up under a big blanket tent. I’ll be hiding in there until New Year’s Eve. Lift the end and you’ll see me growing Triassic Triops while reading Shaq: Uncut. Which I guess is about Shaq’s penis.


I hope everyone had an incredible Christmas. If you don’t celebrate it… well, thanks for putting up with me these past few months. Dino Drac is ready to resume its non-denominational norm!

So how did YOUR Christmases go? Get anything good? Do anything fun? Eat anything strange and noteworthy? Tell me and the world, in the comments.