Deadly Dollar Store Finds: 2012 Edition.
I had five bucks, and Dollar Tree was right there.
It’s funny. I’ve been doing the Countdown forever, and in years past, Dollar Tree was always my final resort. A last ditch effort to catch the Halloween spirit by way of frivolous spending, after every other store in a twenty mile radius let me down.
Well, no more. I don’t know what lit a fire under their ass, or asses, or maybe collective ass, but for the past few Halloween seasons, Dollar Tree has been killing it. So much good stuff!
The things I found today were wonderful with no asterisks. Not just wonderful in an “it’s only a dollar” sort of way. I think the fruits of my five dollar shopping spree (six if you count the background tablecloth) will prove it.
Grim Reaper Statue: The trick is finding a spooky statue without any chips or cracks. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. God knows how it happens, but almost all of Dollar Tree’s statues are flawed in some way. Sometimes it’s just a nick. Other times, the entire head is missing, replaced by a half-chewed Mento.
A moment later, you spot the missing head on the floor, and conclude that some idiot made a feeble attempt to use half-chewed Mentos as statue glue.
Okay, so this thing:
#1: Given everyone’s posture, it seems that Sir Crow has been eluding death by hiding from the Grim Reaper. It’s like they were playing tag, and this statue captures the critcal “aha” moment. Finally, the Grim Reaper found Sir Crow. We all know what happened next.
#2: In nearly every iteration, the Grim Reaper is man-sized. He may be bigger in some versions, but I can’t think of a time when he’s been smaller. Now, take a look at that GIANT SKULL the crow is shitting on. If we estimate the Grim Reaper’s height at six feet (pretty conservative), then this random skull belonged to a twelve-foot man!
#3: Sir Crow is no slouch on the size front, himself. Going by scale, he’s too big to be a crow. Sir Crow is obviously some other, larger bird, lamming it under a coat of black paint. Sir Crow had to know that this wouldn’t fool the Grim Reaper, so now I sit here wondering who else was after him.
This is a good statue. I wish it the world.
Zombie Lollipop Fingers: They’re sour apple flavored, but I can’t tell you how they taste. I have no intention of eating these. I did not buy them for that purpose.
I purchased them because they’re perfectly crafted zombie fingers, attached to sticks. The rewards will be brief, but I can’t wait to stake these into the front lawn. There, they will give the impression of a zombie, clawing its way back from China, to kill on virgin soil.
The colors are fantastic. I mean, there’s green, and then there’s GREEEEEEN. These are GREEEEEEN. The red fingernails are a great touch, though I admit that these fingers could have just as easily belonged to witches.
I’d be so much less into them if the package said “Witch Lollipop Fingers.”
Severed Eyeballs: Dollar Tree had a nice assortment of rubber body parts. It was pretty gory stuff, too. Gross hands, fingers and feet, with an R-rated amount of blood and bruising.
I generally ignore those items, though. They’ve been at Dollar Tree for years, and they’re never in short supply. I might be quoting someone here, but it’s easy to take plastic feet for granted when you’ve already seen them a million times.
That’s why I was so happy to spot a new body part among the pack: Eyeballs!
They’re extra special eyeballs, too, since they come attached to bloody rectus muscles. Rectus muscles are so rarely celebrated in the Halloween prop industry. I can’t believe I only had to drop one lousy buck for trip on that bandwagon.
White Bat: Rubber bats generally come in black or grey and only black or grey, so when you spot a rare white one, GRAB IT. Among white bats’ more esoteric powers is the ability to make all who look at them ferociously hungry.
Go on, try it. Now tell me you don’t want food.
He’s a cute white bat, rough to the touch, with eyes that look like halved peanuts. Though his producers were content to call him “Bat,” I’ve named him “Victor Prosky.” This was partially in tribute to Doctor Doom, and partially in tribute to the guy who played Grandpa Fred in Gremlins 2.
Bloody Bites: Finally, this. The big one. It’s hard to imagine any Dollar Tree stuff as being “new,” but today was the first time I’d seen these. They are magnificent in a way worth weeping about, and I’d prove it if I didn’t use all my tears the day Peter Boyle died.
At first, I walked right by them, assuming they were just another of Dollar Tree’s kinda-interesting-but-not-really Halloween candies.
Guys, I was so close to making the biggest mistake of my entire life.
You’re probably looking at that bag and wondering why I’m making such a fuss. I agree; if you don’t look closely at what these are, heaven just flies right by you.
Let’s dive in deeper. Only then you will understand:
Oh, mang. Each wrapper contains plastic vampire fangs and a condiment pack filled with edible candy blood. I don’t know if I would’ve flipped over either component individually, but together? Nirvana.
I am absolutely stockpiling these, and I am absolutely passing them out to trick-or-treaters come Halloween. They capture the spirit of the season in a way that makes all other candies jealous. Kids need to experience these.
I also love how they made the blood watermelon flavored. Candy blood always seems to be cherry, so this was an appreciated twist. Bloody Bites are as perfect as can be, and that’s why I wrote this poem in their honor:
Through stormy skies, over violent seas
Bloody Bites found their way to Dollar Tree
Clearly, I have not finished this poem. I got stuck because I wasn’t sure if “seas” and “tree” rhymed or not.
Once that’s been determined, no joke, the next verse will blow you away.
Hmm. I could probably just do it like:
Through stormy skies, over violent seas
Bloody Bites found their way to Dollar Trees
I’ll think on it.
