This holiday season is going way too fast. Before you know it, it’ll be big boring depressing January. Don’t waste what little time we have left! Do things! Do stupid things that are only okay to do at this time of year!
I’m here to help. Tonight I’m gonna teach you how to make your own Virtual Christmas Tree. Above all else, it will be an excuse to mess with crayons and glue.
Step 1: Gather the materials!
Most importantly, you’ll need this image. Print it. That’s your paper tree. You’re going to make magic out of that paper tree.
You’ll also need crayons, scissors, glue, and access to a color printer. It occurs to me that nearly 40% of the things I do require the exact same set of materials.
Step 2: Color in the tree!
Your Virtual Christmas Tree needn’t play by normal Christmas tree rules. You could make it green, sure, but you could also make it CHERRY LEMONADE. I’m never going to have a cherry lemonade Christmas tree in real life, so even by Step 2, this bullshit is a rousing success.
(Color the background and the oversized tree skirt, too. If there’s any white left after Step 2, you lose a point.)
Step 3: Decorate the tree!
You can fashion your ornaments out of whatever you want, but I thought it best to just steal photos from websites, print them, and cut them into extremely rough circles.
I decided to give the cast of Congo total rule over my Virtual Christmas Tree. From top to bottom, we have Herkermer Homolka, a grey gorilla, Amy, Monroe and Peter. Oh my God, this is already the greatest thing I’ve ever created.
I also added a yeti, because it’s my tree and I wanted a yeti.
Step 4: Select your presents!
You’ll notice that your tree has plenty of space underneath it. That space is for PRESENTS! Go on Google, look up all of the impossibly awesome Christmas gifts you know you’ll never receive, and print out the photos!
(It’s likely that you’ll need to resize them. In general, 2-3 inches wide is the way to go.)
Step 5: Glue the presents under the tree!
After Step 5, I was met with the vision of my ultimate idealized Christmas. This year, I’m getting a vintage Masters of the Universe Fright Zone playset, a blue crayfish, the Omnibot 2000, a real live Mogwai complete with antique box, and the Randy “Macho Man” Savage LJN Stretch Wrestler!
I’m going to be so happy.
Step 6: Put it on the fridge!
Alternatively, you can frame it.
Obviously, your Virtual Christmas Tree should be tailored to your own tastes. What you create will say so much about you. Or maybe it won’t. I don’t know, what does a cherry lemonade tree with Congo ornaments and Christmas presents that are either live crustaceans or from 1986 say about me?
This project is like a psychological self-examination. As mentioned, it’s also an excuse to mess with crayons and glue.
I hope you enjoy it.
I know you will.