Dinosaur Dracula!
Dinosaur Dracula

Rediscovered Treasures.

I made the mistake of trying to tidy up my office.

It’s always a mistake! My entire life exists as a series of boxes and bins. Once I start going through those, there’s no end to the madness. What was only meant to be a gentle reorganization has transformed my sanctuary into an imploded pawn shop.

I’m desperately trying to restore order, but everything I do only makes things worse. I’ll try to consolidate two boxes into one, but all that does is spread the contents of both boxes across my floor, with the items so impossibly scattered that I still think unseen ghosts are ribbing me.

Maybe everyone goes through this, but not everyone has the kinds of things I do. Truth be told, there’s just no perfect spot for a three foot inflatable Kool-Aid Man.

All I can do is keep stacking things until I’ve at least made paths the necessary spots. Right now, I can get from the door to my computer desk, but if I want to reach the air conditioner, I’ll need to climb over:

– The Dinosaur Dracula Christmas statue.
– A 30” “Tiffany” doll from Bride of Chucky.
– A box that once held the very air conditioner I’d be trying to get to, but now holds four dozen empty soda cans.
– And so much more!

The bright side? I’m rediscovering so many treasures. I’m a collector of everything. I can’t keep track of it all. I don’t even remember how I came to own some of these things. It’s like they just appeared from nowhere. Maybe “old crap” reproduces sexually? When I’m not looking, my empty can of Pac-Man Pasta mates with Metroplex, and later births a litter of Lazer Tag party plates?

I’ll use this short break from cleaning to rattle off some of my finer finds: Read More…

Video: G1 Transformers METROPLEX Review!

Sorry for the light week! Been busy sorting some stuff out. I’ve also preparing for this:

Yep, somehow, nearly a year has flown by! June 1st marks Dinosaur Dracula’s 1st birthday, and if I were you, I’d check the site on that day. Put the candles on the cake!

I pulled myself out the muck just long enough for a new video. It’s about one of the greatest Transformers figures ever. Meet METROPLEX:

Metroplex was a giant robot who transformed into an entire Autobot city, stuffed with alcoves and doodads. He even came with three additional Autobot allies! I’d tell you more, but that’s what the video is for.

And yeah, I made one error in there. “Six-Gun” is named “Six-Gun” because he’s actually composed of six guns. (Also, I guess you could count calling Hound appropriately sized for Metroplex as a second error, but then you’re just nitpicking.)

Here’s a giant photo of Metroplex, for no good reason:

Enjoy.

The Cinn*A*Burst Gum Tribute!

Surely you remember Cinn*A*Burst!

The legendary gum was Warner-Lambert’s attempt to do battle with Wrigley’s Big Red. How on Earth did they lose that war?!

Cinn*A*Burst hit the scene in September of 1991, just as I was entering the seventh grade. I hated all of middle school, but the seventh grade was a special kind of awful.

I was awkward and unpopular. I wore terrible clothes. My hair looked like the world’s biggest mushroom cap. My primary modes were “easy to ignore” and “easy to target.”

I mention this not to be maudlin, but because Cinn*A*Burst was actually my best weapon against the perils of junior high. In the seventh grade, you could buy your way out of plenty of trouble with the right gum.

Cinn*A*Burst was infused with “flavor crystals,” giving it a boost of candied spice and an oddly pleasant crunch. Everybody loved Cinn*A*Burst. At least, every kid in my junior high school did.

Five days a week, I’d bring at least six packs of it to school with me. Generally speaking, the kids I might’ve had issues with chose to let me live… as long as I shared my gum. I was like Augustus with his corn doles, only instead of becoming a beloved ruler, my reward was to not get punched in the ear.

I don’t know exactly when Cinn*A*Burst stopped being made, but it did. By then, I wasn’t paying attention. This amazing gum that meant so much for my mouth and social status went out with a whimper, and I’ll forever regret not being there during its time of need. All I can do now is help to keep the memory alive.

To jog your memories, below are examinations its five best TV commercials: Read More…

Ninja Turtles “Sumo Raphael” Figure!

Playmates’ original collection of Ninja Turtles toys survived for longer than you might’ve noticed, because if you’re around my age, you probably outgrew five-inch Donatellos before the rest of the world did.

It’s a shame, because as the line entered its final years, Playmates made some desperate but creative attempts to keep those Turtles afloat. Objectively speaking, many of the collection’s best figures came out near the end.

Here’s one example:

Believe it or not, this existed! “Sumo Raphael,” released in 1995, was just one of the seemingly countless revamps to the main Turtles, who by that point had been everything from astronauts to cowboys to Universal Monsters. I always preferred unique characters to the endless Ninja Turtle revisions, but when they worked, they really worked.

And a big-bellied Raphael with Yokozuna’s hair? Yeah, that really worked. Read More…