A shovel, a pickaxe and a hatchet.

Joy to the world.

You can tell by Dino Drac’s forced smile that he’s not a big fan of these. And sure, I admit that this year’s Playmobil gifts are starting to feel like someone just raided their garage for passable Christmas presents.

Today, a shovel. Tomorrow, the 1986 “Chevrolet Cuties” calendar. The next day, oil.

But there’s more than meets the eye, here. Remember the theme of this Advent Calendar. “Dinosaur Expedition.” It stands to reason that we might need to excavate something. These seem like just the right tools to do that with.

He puts down the gifts, and shoots me “the look.” I’ve seen it before. Without a word, I’ve been called an asshole, a derelict and a stupid jerkface. It stings. Dino Drac’s bark is almost as bad as his bite.

Easy there, tiger. I have a strong suspicion that we’ll need those tools. I sense that BONES may be on the horizon. And I don’t mean like, chicken bones.

Dino Drac: You’re about to dig up your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandpa.

Posted by Matt on 12/07/12
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Over on Dino Drac’s Facebook page, several readers obliged me with suggestions for a painted-at-work Christmas montage. Here’s what I had time for. (Actually, in no way, shape or form did I have time for this – but I did it anyway. You can’t fire a freelancer. You can only pretend he died.)

1. Estelle Getty, dressed as Dinosaur Dracula, dressed as Santa Claus. (Suggested by Jeff S.)

2. McDonald’s legendary Holiday Pie, with its wonderful circus sprinkles. I’d love to review this for real, but the all of the McD’s restaurants around here treat me like a crazy person when I ask about it. (Suggested by Louis Q.)

3. Crystal from Roseanne, sadly drinking a glass of Cranberry Sierra Mist. (Another suggestion from Jeff S.)

4. An argument with an older relative about politics or racism. (Suggested by Jessica D.)

5. Eggnog monster. (Suggested by Clay A.)

6. Jason Voorhees topping a Christmas tree with Sally’s head. (Suggested by Bill W.)

7. Michael S. suggested “the Christmas special version of a horror franchise.” I almost followed his directions, and came up with Bellraiser, the story of a Cenobite-turned-Salvation Army guy.

8. Five golden eggs. (Suggested by Jonny L.)

9. Fruitcake creatures. (Suggested by Amber I.)

Thanks, guys. Guess I should go earn a living for an hour.

Posted by Matt on 12/06/12
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Today’s gifts include a flashlight and a pair of walkie-talkies. Hoookay.

They’re junky presents, and Dino Drac isn’t shy about telling me so. “How am I supposed to make your stupid feature successful with this kind of stuff?”

Hell, I don’t have the answers. I don’t choose the gifts. I just know that there are real honest-to-God DINOSAURS hiding in some of those boxes, and, let’s face it, everything is filler until we start seeing them.

I tell Dino Drac to “wing it.” He flaps his arms like a bird. I don’t think he’s trying to be a dick, though. Dinosaurs have horrible vocabularies, and it’s unreasonable to expect mine to know the multiple meanings of “wing.”

Finally, he gets the message. He’ll try to entertain you as best he can. The words below come directly from Dino Drac, and it’s for this reason that I shall present them in a bold red font.

WHAT I NOTICE FIRST IS THAT THIS WALKIE-TALKIE AND FLASHLIGHT HAVE VERY COMPARABLE WEIGHTS. LIKE BROTHERS FROM DIFFERENT MOTHERS. WHAT I NOTICE SECOND IS THAT THE FLASHLIGHT COULD EASILY PASS AS A NOVELTY GOBLET FOR THE GOTHIC SET. I HAVE NOT NOTICED A THIRD THING YET.

It was a good effort, Dinosaur Dracula. You winged like a pro.

Posted by Matt on 12/06/12
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