Classic Creepy Commercials, Volume 19!
The return of Dino Drac’s Halloween Countdown means I get to dust off one of my favorite recurring features: Classic Creepy Commercials!
If you weren’t around for the eighteen previous installments, this is where I gush about old spooky TV commercials. I’ve spent the last six months gathering as many as I could, and I’m happy to report that you can expect at least two more editions during the 2018 Countdown!
Spooky Skeleton’s Joke Hotline! (1990)
I’ve covered a lot of old hotline ads, but this may be the best of them. Dial the number to hear an undead skeleton tell goofy monster jokes! The skeleton even offers samples of his routine, with gems like:
Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite sport?
A: Casketball!
I get that maintaining hotlines was one of the bigger get-rich-quick schemes of the ‘80s and ’90s, but I’m still amazed that anyone would roll the dice on a squeaky-voiced skeleton. Remember, this guy was competing against the likes of everyone from He-Man to the Ninja Turtles.
I don’t suspect that this was a particularly popular hotline, but holy shit was it wonderful. The idea that you were literally calling a skeleton is something I wish Kid Matt would’ve appreciated more.
Also gotta believe that some kids would’ve been terrified of this guy, even despite the Hanna-Barbera voice. Dude can tell all the jokes he wants, but he’s still a skeleton with floating bloodshot eyeballs. (Thank God.) Read More…
The Creepiest GoBot of them all!
Here’s an inordinate amount of words about a GoBots figure. I have my reasons!
Meet Creepy, one of the evil Renegades. As far as insectoid robot monsters go, he’s aces. Ghoulish purple claws, toxic green paint, and a name that would make me love him even without those things.
What makes Creepy so special — aside from the claws, paint and name — is that he was only available through a special mail-away offer back in 1985. The promotion even had its own dedicated commercial: Read More…
Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes Review!
Behold, my first big find of the 2018 Halloween season!
Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes are in stores now, and guys, they are good. Maybe even grrrreat.
I’ve never been the biggest pumpkin spice guy, but I like it when it works, and this stuff works. I figured it would, given that pretty much all of the internet reactions have been so positive.
Here’s my video taste test:
As tasty as the cereal is, it isn’t even the one I was most looking forward to this season. (Reese’s Bats, yo.) As I talk about in the vid, this is a huuuuge year for Halloween cereal in general, with a mix of old favorites and new contenders battling for shelf space. I’m so into it!
Thanks for watching the vid! Read More…
The 1990s Windows Mystery Screensaver!
Back in the late ‘90s, I bought my first computer. It was hardly the first computer that I’d messed around on, but it was the first one that was all mine.
I customized the shit out of it. By the time I was through, I don’t think there was a single default sound still in play. I can still hear the Undertaker’s gongs alerting me to new arrivals on my AOL Buddy List. (I hated how the audio dropped out before the reverberations completed.)
Naturally, I chose my own screensaver. Many were auditioned, but in the end, I always came back to the Mystery Screensaver.
As I recall, the screensaver was part of a theme set for Windows 98. I’m not 100% sure that it hadn’t debuted prior to Windows 98, but that’s where I met it, and judging by what I see online, that’s where almost everyone else met it, too.
It’s my all-time favorite screensaver. You guys can keep your Doom mazes and waterpark pipes. On its face, this was a simple animated mansion with enough spooky elements to create a haunted ambiance. Upon deeper reflection, it was a world of wonder that let you write whole novels in your head.
Beginning with a burst of pipe organs that sounded like the bark of a Jersey shore dark ride, the screensaver would then fall mostly-silent, save for the occasional creaking door or solicitous owl. There were enough noises to make listening a part of the fun, but those noises were still scattered enough to make each one hit you like a jump scare.
The mansion might not have seemed so creepy if it wasn’t situated in the middle of some gothic wooded hell, full of dead trees, fallen leaves, busy bats and pale moonlight. If you remove the house, I’m pretty sure this was where Jade and Smoke played peekaboo in Mortal Kombat II. Read More…