Is it… is it true? It is possible? Could another year have really gone by that fast?
Is it seriously time for the… the… the Countdown?
Welcome, beloved strangers.
Welcome to Dinosaur Dracula’s 2014 Halloween Countdown.
From now through October 31st, I am the Devil. That role is now mine to play, and I think it’s time for a shift towards benevolence. No, I am not here to urge you down damning paths. No, I am not here to scrub your sins with the loofah sponge that is fire. I am the Devil, and this year, all the Devil does is write long, aimless blogs about Halloween candy.
The Halloween Countdown starts…
Let’s assume you’re a new reader, or a really forgetful old one. You don’t know what a “Halloween Countdown” is. Well, no worries — I’m the Devil who likes to dish.
Born in 2003 on my old site, X-Entertainment, the Halloween Countdown has evolved into two full months celebrating EVERYTHING associated with the Halloween season, no matter how tangential. (The Devil is very proud of himself for using “tangential.”)
Old spooky toys! New Halloween junk food! Horror movies! Creepy art projects! Videos starring me in zombie makeup, with phony scars that look like the stitches on a baseball!
Freddy Krueger! Jason Voorhees! Pinhead! Elvira! Garlic Man! (Okay maybe not Garlic Man. Until now, “internet stardom” has never been uttered in the same sentence as “the lead villain from Little Dracula.”)
I can’t make any guarantees about how often this site will be updated between now and Halloween, but I’m supposing it will be over 40 and closer to 50. Which means that by November 1st, I’ll want to kill every single one of you. Please enjoy this breakdown-as-performance art, where my pending descent into madness will gain a firm digital footprint. I am the Devil.
Last year’s Halloween season was one of the best ever. Maybe THE best ever. From Ghoul-Aid Jammers to the revival of Frute Brute and Fruity Yummy Mummy, we left 2013 wondering if we’d ever see a Halloween season that good again. Wellp, it’s time to find out. I have a good feeling. My feeling is in the “45% good” area.
Some of you may think that I’m starting too early. We go through this every year. I’m not. Besides, there are a lot of bloggers now. If I wait an extra week, all of the good candy will have already been written about. On the other hand, NOT BY THE DEVIL.
No, but seriously, it’s NOT too early. October flies by in the span of two hours, and I think we’re one decent scientist away from that being a proven fact. Halloween isn’t just about Halloween proper, you know. Things that are enjoyable all year become infinitely more enjoyable during the Halloween season. Hey, I’ve seen Dream Warriors a thousand times, but guess what? If I watch it tonight, it’s Paragraph Fucking One on the diary page.
At the start of last year’s Countdown, I suggested a few things people could do to celebrate early. Things like “take a walk” and “draw monsters on a legal pad.” Things that required action. But I’ve grown cynical in my old age. Nobody who reads “go do something” on their computer actually goes and does something.
So this year, I’m gonna work that schtick a little differently. Here are a bunch of Halloween things you can do right now, online, without moving from whatever atrociously tacky chair you’re sitting in. (The Devil’s newfound benevolence does not extend to chairs. It can’t.)
#1: WATCH NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD!
Some kind of colossal fuckup put George A. Romero’s zombie classic in the public domain, and their loss is our gain! The original Night of the Living Dead is one of the easiest movies to find online, and in every conceivable resolution… including some that shouldn’t exist. I chose a YouTube link with a 4×3 ratio, because if you’re gonna watch this movie on the internet, you should at least try to pretend that the internet is a dusty old tube television. “They’re coming to get you, Barbara.”
#2: PLAY GHOSTS ‘N GOBLINS!
Notoriously difficult but with such a splendid theme! I grew up with the Ghosts ‘n Goblins Nintendo game, and while I can scarcely recall beating the 2nd level — let alone ever even seeing Lucifer — something about it kept me coming back. Maybe it was the ballsy taunt? The game opens with Satan (not to be confused with Lucifer) materializing in the night sky and swooping in to kidnap your girlfriend. You can’t walk away from something like that, no matter how often it happens.
#3: GO ON AN IMDB HORROR TRIVIA BINGE!
This is one of my private passions. Head to IMDB, look up every horror movie you can think of, and lose countless hours to their trivia sections! Did you know that Linda Blair needed bodyguards after shooting The Exorcist, thanks to death threats from religious nuts? Now you do! And everything you learn tonight, you can pretend to have known forever! I’ll never understand why Wikipedia disallowed trivia sections on movie pages. Spend a night on IMDB, and you’ll agree that they’re the best parts!
#4: MESS WITH A VIRTUAL TARANTULA!
It’s not quite a “game,” but it’s more addictive than Tetris. On this page, you push and pull a virtual tarantula all over his home, which is apparently a three foot concrete square. (And when I say “pull,” I mean it. You can even drag the poor guy around by one leg.) Double-clicking will leave insects behind for your spider to feast on. The insects don’t move, and look more like rat droppings and spoiled pizza. Somehow, these traits blend into pure creepy magnificence.
#5: LEARN THE TRUE HISTORY OF HALLOWEEN!
What we’ve come to accept as “Halloween” is a strange mash of traditions with roots that span thousands of years. This season, why not take the time to learn more about Halloween’s secret origins? Or maybe see how people who aren’t “us” celebrate it? I admit that linking to the Wikipedia entry on “Halloween” is weak, but it is pretty informative, so use that as your start-point. Some write Halloween off as a Hallmark holiday, but with a little research, you’ll see how completely wrong that is.
#6: READ LOTS OF “REAL” GHOST STORIES!
The best ghost stories are the real ones. Or at least, the ones that are supposed to be real. “Your Ghost Stories” is a site collecting ten trillion reader-submitted tales of actual ghost encounters, and even if you only buy into 2% of them, it’s still good for a browse. The stories range from simple unexplained moments to full-on ghost encounters, and under the right light at a late hour, they’re an excellent way to self-creep. Brew some tea and light a scented candle before visiting this one. That’s the right way to do it.
#7: PLAY HALLOWEEN HANGMAN!
In this spooky spin on the classic Hangman game, you must correctly guess the mystery word before a hanging skeleton collects his bones. Guess the wrong letter, and the skeleton gets snarky. “Oh great, another rocket scientist.” Well fuck you too, ass. Online hangman games are usually too easy or too impossible, but this one straddles the line. Plus, even if you lose, you at least get a complete skeleton out of the deal. (The game also features fantastic music. Music that could score a person tiptoeing into the kitchen to steal cookies. Only more Halloween-like.)
I spent forever digging up those links, by the way. “Look up Halloween on Wikipedia!” Do you have any idea much thought and research goes into something like that? Ugh, here’s a picture of gummy worms on a cardboard grim reaper head:
The Countdown is one part me and one part you. To get the most from it, I invite you to become involved. Join in the comments and take part in discussions. When I do an art project, send in a submission, even though you’re still waiting for me to put up the results from the last one. Share this site and its articles all over social media, which I admit helps me a lot more than you. I just wasn’t sure where else to stick that. Didn’t really work after “Garlic Man.”
Together, we’re gonna experience Halloween as it was meant to be experienced: Via complete and total overkill. Nothing orange is out of bounds, even if it’s a clementine. No day shall pass without a macabre celebration, so long as we can stretch the definition of “celebration” to “five minutes spent gushing over Candy Corn Blow Pops.” For the next two months, we’ll enjoy that brief period where pain is muted and the air is tainted with good drugs. Nothing can hurt us, so long as we have popcorn and Halloween 5.
Nothing can ruin it. Actually, a lot of things could, but they won’t, because I’m the Devil and I have powers. I hereby decree that everyone who reads this will have a perfect Halloween season. I know I will.
I goddamned better. Winter, spring and summer were such balls.
Welcome, beloved strangers, to Dinosaur Dracula’s 2014 Halloween Countdown.
It starts now. It started ten minutes ago.
Now here’s Madd Matt’s review of a “Clown Tangler.”
Thank you for reading/watching/being. Ave Santanas!
I mean Satanas. God, I almost hailed Tito Santana.
PPS: The Halloween Jukebox is now REACTIVATED. A relic from my past. A relic from yours, too. Enjoy around a hundred haunted songs, including two by Garfield. Just look for the blazingly obvious orange-tinted jukebox graphic on the right-side area of this page. And every other page on the site. Even the ones about how Christmas is the best time of year. (I was lying.)