Another batch of old comic book ads!

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It’s been a long time since Dino Drac’s last Comic Book Ads review, and even longer since I dived into my specific favorite type of them: The tiny-sized ads that were all mashed together on the classifieds pages.

That’s where the real treasures were! Fifty antique coins for a dollar! Legitimate monkey skulls! An Atlas body in seven days!

I’ve collected nine of my favorites. It should have been ten, but I got tired. Enjoy them as I have.

starrocks

Star Rocks!
(Alpha Flight #26, September 1985)

The fine print indicated that your meteor would look nothing like the illustration, but that wouldn’t have kept me from expecting exactly that. What a perfect little meteor doodle! The rough edges… the chocolatey colors… and my God, the CRATERS!

Still, five bucks does seem high for these, especially in 1985. That’s probably more than museum gift shops were charging, and museum gift shops already existed on the principle that they could charge five times more than was reasonable for everything they sold. Exclusivity begets twenty dollar geodes, or some shit.

I still would’ve bought one. That doodle is too powerful.

shrimp

Amazing Mystery Shrimp!
(The Transformers #22, November 1986)

It looks like the people behind Sea-Monkeys didn’t have exclusive rights to those brine shrimp, because here were some other jokers, selling the exact same kits. The difference here is that the proprietors employed no illusions about what they were selling. These weren’t lanky humanoids with bright blue eyes who somehow played underwater checkers without any of the pieces drifting away. They were SHRIMP, dammit, and that was good enough.

For as much flak as the Sea-Monkey people took for their misleading advertisements, I think they may have been doing themselves a disservice. I find the idea of “Amazing Mystery Shrimp” even more appealing, at least in part because what they were promising me looked like a Facehugger.

An easy “yes” for purchasing. Even if I wasn’t satisfied, there was a money back guara…

There was a “money back gua.”

glove

The Original Diamond Glove!
(Alpha Flight #15, October 1984)

If you weren’t already thinking that this was a “Michael Jackson glove,” the fact that the ad’s from 1984 should sway you. With shipping, you were paying nineteen bucks, which — at least while within the scope of prices seen at the back of comic books in the early 1980s — made this like buying a ten story castle in the middle of New York City.

You had to be REALLY hot for Michael Jackson to consider this. For that price, you could’ve purchased NINE Amazing Mystery Shrimp kits, and still had 95 cents leftover for… I don’t know… Blackjack gum.

Sorry, Diamond Glove Incorporated. Your risk-to-reward scale lady looks like she’s doing the mambo.

jetpack

Build Your Own Personal Jet-Pack!
(Superman #72, October 1992)

I’m a little confused. Were you paying for a kit with instructions, or just the instructions? It says it comes with plans and a manual. Aren’t plans manuals? Aren’t manuals plans? Is the enemy of my enemy my friend?

I suppose “plans” does in rarer cases hold the definition of “materials,” and given the exorbitant $20 fee, I can’t imagine that all we got was a tutorial.

Either way, it suggested a scenario wherein kids could become Boba Fett, and that’s awesome. The Beushausen Brothers knew just what card to play, which was fitting, since “Beushausen Brothers” sounds like a name you’d give to the blackjack mini-bosses in some old casino-themed Nintendo game.

I wonder what the gimmick was? Clearly no one became the Rocketeer by way of this, or we’d be living in a much better world today. I’d sure as hell spend less time writing about comic book ads if I could fly around with a fucking rocket pack.

lamboposter

Lamborghini Poster!
(Captain Atom #15, May 1988)

I didn’t have this, but I’m pretty sure that my best friend did. His whole bedroom was full of car posters. I had a few, but only enough to meet the unspoken quota regarding male children and fancy car posters. My friend’s room, though… it was saturated.

And I seem to remember one especially long Lamborghini poster, positioned so poorly that it was actually curved around the corner of two walls. He definitely had SOME giant car poster that did that, and it drove me nuts. It was unnecessary to the point of seeming intentional, but who would do such a thing on purpose? Fortunately, in my old age, my OCD is now limited to being aggressive with light switches.

crabs

Giant Land Hermit Crabs!
(Infinity Inc. #2, May 1984)

Yep, I would’ve been all over this. Maybe not in 2014 when I’m more sensitive to the plight of crabs, but as a kid? DEFINITELY. And once again, it would have been the doodle that sold me. Belial in a shell!

The sellers were fortunate to have such a stellar artist, but they were also fortunate to live on 76 Maple Street. I just can’t imagine anything but love and sweetness coming from a place like “Maple Street.” It’s a street name that turns skeptics into blind believers, even if in a completely subconscious way.

magiccrystals

Magic Crystals & Fossils & Gems!
(Superman #72, October 1992)

“Prehistoric poop.” Ten dollars for “prehistoric poop.” Ten dollars for “prehistoric poop” by a company named “Sassy Productions,” which operated from an address that read like untraceable government code. There were leaps of faith and there was just being crazy. No poop for me.

warriors

50 Warriors!
(Captain Atom #15, May 1988)

The figures were assuredly no better than plastic green army men, but who could resist the temptation of FIFTY figures for that price?

The set was full of play potential, too. Romans battling ninjas, ninjas battling Civil War soldiers… it was like The Warriors gone global. Global and omnitemporal.

chemlite

Chemical Light!
(Marvel Two-In-One #19, September 1976)

My best guess is that this was an everyday glow stick, and yes, back in 1976, you could get away with making a big deal about those. Even ten years later, I remember treating glow sticks with incredible respect, mostly because they only turned up during the Halloween season. Also, to a kid’s brain, they seemed to be filled with radioactive demon spit.

PS: If you like junk like this, I encourage you to pick up Mail-Order Mysteries, a terrific book that collects tons of old comic book ads, along with photos of what kids actually received. It turns out that I’ve been friendly with the author for a year now, never realizing that this was his book. Sorry, Kirk!

  • King JLA

    FINALLY back in my apartment. :)

    Here’s another comic book idea you can do. Various networks would put their Saturday morning lineups as an advertisement. They had some strange cartoons in those day. Those are fun to run across.

    It seems whenever our elementary school would do their scholastic book fairs (which always RULED!) You could find a lot of car posters and books.

  • Chris Dugan

    “Mail Order Mysteries” is such a great book. I got it for Christmas a couple years ago and could not put it down.

  • http://veggiemacabre.wordpress.com Bill

    Kirk, I have loved your art for years. The family portraits are nothing short of genius. But I think my very favorite was the one where you are watching TV behind the sofa. We have all done that at one point.

  • http://orangecow.org Garrett Gilchrist

    Matt, a quick Google search for the name Beushausen, connected to JetPacks, or more accurately RocketBelts, turns up some amazing stuff. There were working, if dangerous jetpacks, and the Beushausen brothers were enthusiasts who wrote and published several books on the subject. Derwin Beushausen ran the Airwalker Society until 2003 and is still around. These would arguably kill you if handled wrong, or even as listed in the books. But look up Youtube for the Bell Aerospace Rocketbelt. It does not disappoint. There’s some further info at rocketbelt (.) nl

  • Matt

    @Garrett: Unexpected news! Thanks for the info… I’ll look ‘em up!

  • http://Www.doubletsblogofreviews.blogspot.com Newt

    I love these articles. And Mail Order Mysteries is a great book.

  • http://secretfunspot.blogspot.com Kirk Demarais

    @Bill, I’m so glad you enjoy my art! Much appreciated.

    @Chris and @Newt Thank you for the kind words about the book! Reading your comments brought me gladness!

  • rizzo

    Hey Allentown PA, I live near there. That store is not around anymore…though they’re building a new hockey stadium in the worst part of town so…er…yay I guess?

    Also yes, even into the 80′s friggen glowsticks were absolutely magical.

  • http://www.facebook.com/therealteddyray Teddy Ray

    This was a lot of fun, Matt. Seriously great stuff here, my friend. “I’d sure as hell spend less time writing about comic book ads if I could fly around with a fucking rocket pack” made me giggle like a mental patient, for some reason.

    I never paid too much attention to these types of ads. I’m not sure if I just assumed that they were rip-offs/scams or if I was told they were, but that’s why I never paid them much attention, because I knew they were rip-offs. But now, looking over these ads, I kind of want to buy some prehistoric poop. And I definitely want to buy 50 warriors. I may have to make a trip to CVS on your recommendation to Morgan R. Lewis.

    If anyone is unsatisfied with my comment, I offer a money back gua.

  • http://www.youtube.com/elkfilmz Christian

    I remember these types of adds! Me and my brother use to get those cheap plastic BB guns out of them, you know the type with those little rubber yellow BB’s!

  • Onion Rings ARE Vegetables!

    Maybe that’s where WWF star, Rene Goulet ordered his Diamond Gloves from.