Dinosaur Dracula!

An ode to Pumpkin Spice Quaker Oatmeal.

After all my years of blogging,
I’ve learned a thing or two.

Like how stories about oatmeal…
Won’t mean much to you.


Before I even started writing,
The bloom was off the rose.

So whatever, fine, fuck it.
I’ll do it in rhymed prose. (more…)

The 2015 Halloween Mood Table!

October is here, and you know what that means!


Well, most of you know that, at least. If you’re new to Dino Drac, the Halloween Mood Table is a tradition I started on my old site, way back in 2007. The process involves turning a table — any table, big or small — into the center of your own personal Halloween universe.

Compared to the Mood Tables that I build now, my first one was downright diminutive. Hell, last year, I pretty much turned the thing into a video store from 1987.

Obviously, yours needn’t be so complex. The only purpose of a Halloween Mood Table is to give your home — and thus, your life — a static place where Halloween is always happening.

If work or other responsibilities have kept you from being able to “partake” in the season in any major way, the Mood Table is absolutely essential. Whenever you need to breathe and eat Halloween, your Mood Table will be there. Consider it October’s Christmas tree.

(Christmas tree slash witchy altar slash toy store.)


Starting with the same small tile table that’s been the backbone of every Mood Table I’ve ever built, it wouldn’t be long before it was rendered unrecognizable. I knew it’d be tough to top last year’s Mood Table, but I was willing to die trying. (more…)

This Monster Cereals Castle is amazing.

With all of the fuss surrounding this year’s debuting Halloween goodies, some of you may be ignoring the old faithfuls. Big mistake!

Let’s take General Mills and their Monster Cereals, for example. Historically the gatekeepers of Halloween (General Mills is usually the first company to make announcements about the pending season), they keep finding new ways to make us go crazy for old cereal. It’s no different in 2015!


This year, General Mills has released our beloved trio in no less than three different box styles. Most stores will carry the “standard” boxes, which allow for interaction with your phone by way of a free app. Then you can head to Walmart for different boxes with cutout masks on the back. Last but not least, the Target-exclusive boxes have their own gimmick, and in my view, it’s clearly the best of the three.

Shown above, Target’s Monster Cereal boxes arrive with cutout pieces that can be joined to form THE MONSTERS’ CASTLE. Just so we’re clear, this is the part where you silently mouth “holy shit” before prematurely scrolling to this post’s final photos. (No, really, don’t be that guy.) (more…)

30 Haikus About Groceries.


Here are thirty dumb haikus
About what I saw. (more…)

The Coffee Cup Exhibition: Part 2!


Uh oh — the coffee cups are back!

If you recall, I asked Dino Drac readers to submit photos of their weirdest coffee cups, owing to morbid curiosity and probably worse. That was back in July. Over a hundred of you accepted the challenge, and I was so overwhelmed the sheer volume of strange mugs that it took me more than half a year to start building the gallery.

In February, we looked at 25 crazy mugs sent in by Dino Drac’s thirstiest readers. Today, we’ll bring that number up to 50. In Part 2 of The Coffee Cup Exhibition, enjoy another 25 mugs, belonging to complete strangers from across the globe.

For this article, I am merely the curator. The photos and stories pasted below come from the individual cup owners. I think you’ll enjoy seeing the cups, but I think you’ll enjoy learning why they mean so much to their owners even more. It’s a kind of voyeurism. Like a dumb version of Rear Window.


#26 – Counselor Deanna Troi the Coffee Cup!
Submitted by Nina S.

“Though born into a Star Wars family, my cultish devotion to the animated series Gargoyles allowed me to cultivate an appreciation for the actors of Star Trek: TNG, many of whom voiced characters in the Disney cartoon.

“It’s been a difficult few months for me, so I decided to book an appointment with my therapist to do some mental housekeeping. ‘I have no idea where this came from, but I figured you’d appreciate it,’ she told me, as she brought me freshly brewed green tea in this marvelous flagon.

“That is why she’s a great therapist.” (more…)

The Coffee Cup Exhibition: Part 1!


Back in July, I asked everyone to send in photos of their weirdest coffee mugs for an upcoming Dino Drac feature. A whole lotta you did. In fact, I was so daunted by the number of submissions that I shelved the idea for months. During that time, I expertly handled any emailed inquires by pretending I didn’t get them.

Tonight, I’m finally gonna make good on the promise. Partially, at least. There are way too many entries for me to tackle all at once, so consider this Part 1 of Dino Drac’s Coffee Cup Exhibition, featuring 25 of YOUR very strange mugs.

Of course, some of you may be wondering why I’m doing this at all


Our story starts with the nWo Wolfpac mug seen above. I drink from it constantly, but I have no idea where it came from. While neither a treasured possession nor something I’d even notice were it to go missing, that dumb cup has quietly become such a comfortable part of my life.

There are many others like it. We have our “standard” coffee cups, sure, but I always find myself reaching for the ones that are loud and obnoxious. The ones that remind me of gift shops from old vacation spots. The ones that were given to me by business owners who no longer own businesses. The ones with Papa Smurf on them.

I suspected that your relationships with coffee cups were similar, and looking over the submissions only proves it. Holy hell, you guys have some AMAZING mugs! Weird mugs, happy mugs, depressing mugs! Mugs rife with nostalgia, mugs plastered with failed product logos! I love them all, and I think the rest of you will, too.

Below are the first 25 coffee cups, complete with notes from the readers who submitted ’em. Get ready for everything from Star Trek to seahorses! (more…)

Happy Mother’s Day!

Guys, we need to talk about this Mother’s Day card.


I made it for my mother in 1986. 1987 at the absolute latest. Considering the card’s enormous size and use of strange paper, I can only assume it was an art project from grade school.

The cover looks innocent enough, or at least as innocent as a cover featuring a shark swimming through blood could look. It’s what inside that troubles me. It’s very curious that both my teacher and mother saw this card and never thought, “hmmm the boy needs help.”

Who knows, maybe they did. (more…)